History

Excerpts from Wimbley’s Completely Unbiased History of the Enlightened, Glorious Empire of Kefala, sponsored in part by Lard Lad®

“The Empire began in dark times, when civilization was scattered in small enclaves amidst vast expanses of wilderness. Rapacious barbarian hordes roamed the land, and monsters of all types freely murdered all who were innocent. The average human lifespan was seven years, everyone lived in a shoebox if they were lucky, and without Elves to tell them what to do, Humans would only sit around comparing the volume and aroma of their flatulence.”
-From Chapter 1: When Everything Sucked

“And so ”/campaign/points-of-darkness/wikis/King%20Voggis/new" class=“create-wiki-page-link”>King Voggis struck the eunuch, saying ‘Horseradish is not appropriate on biscuits.’ At that time the Elven Envoy from the Mysterious and Assuredly Wonderful Elven Lands, and the court was struck dumb from His sheer majesty. Three of the smallfolk died instantly, for their simple minds could not accept the sheer bliss that ensued from the Elven presence."
-From Chapter 2: Enter the Elves

“Having finished the delicious, savory Lampy MealĀ™, Voggis played with the free toy whilst the most beneficent Elf explained the simple truths of inherent Elven Superiority. Being inbred and functionally retarded, Voggis disbelieved the Elf, and there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth. The Elf, in His most holy wisdom, cautioned the mad and unattractive king, telling him that should he disregard profound Elven Wisdom, the gods would certainly smite him dead. Sure enough, that night Voggis accidentally fell onto a knife. Backwards. Seven times. The knife was also poisoned.”
-From Chapter 4: Voggis Fucks it up for Everyone

History

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